Anyone who knows me well enough, knows I have a serious obsession with Karen Kinsbury's books. I love the way she writes out beautiful tales of faith, hope and love. God has given her a gift that, unfortunately for me, gets kinda spendy. I'm reading the second book in the Sunrise series called Summer. One of the subjects of the book is going through a hard pregnancy that will undoubtedly end in the death of her child sometime almost immediately after birth.
I've lost a pregnancy. Lost the feeling of what life would be like with a child. I lost a bit of myself in the process, but I also found a part of God I never would have understood without going through that struggle. Almost exactly a year later, I got pregnant with my sweet darling Risto James. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if baby number 1 ever had a chance to live. Would Risto still be here now? Or would he be an after thought still a year or 2 away from existence? Or would I be one of those women who has their children back to back? Risto would be a little brother... a life long friend to what would have been my firstborn.
A few months back God put a desire in my heart. Something I'm not only terribly unqualified to do, but it would also stretch the limits far beyond my comfort zone and cause me to do the one thing that terrifies me. Lead. I've been praying with all my might and I think time is winding down for a decision, this book only serving as a reminder for what He is surely calling me to.
Apart of the reason I'm writing this is to ask anyone who bothers to read these things for prayer. Come alongside me as brothers and sisters serving the same God and ask Him for clarity, strength and courage. The second reason is because I know if I don't announce it, it'll take me longer to finally step out on faith and start the process.
I want to start a support group for women who have lost pregnancies. Aside from Trevor, I really didn't have anyone I could turn to when I lost our first baby. I felt like I was a burden to everyone around me and aside from the fact that I lost my mind for awhile, I know I was quite a lot to deal with.
We're a community of believers for a reason. So we can support each other. Lend a shoulder to cry on at sometimes and at others offer an ear to listen or a gentle tone to remind our spiritual siblings of God's promises for us. This is a big deal for me. It would require me talking about what I went through and admitting something to myself that I'm still not ready to admit. I'm not admitting it here either, but one day soon I'll have to admit it to myself so I can successfully help others.
At the beginning of the year I prayed that God would help me give more of myself. That He would show me where He needs me and that I would follow without hesitation. I'm hesitating a little, but only because I think something like this deserves my whole heart and all of my attention (well as much as I can spare with a baby and husband). Please help support me in this by praying for me.
I'm ready to move for the One I love.
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